Do you ever have moments when you're talking with people and you find yourself giving what you perceive to be the expected response? So things come out of your mouth that you don't actually think are true? This happened to me within the last month, and I want to come clean to somebody since the moment is gone for me to clarify and restate my actual feelings to the person with whom I was speaking.
Some necessary background is this - although I live in Idaho, and have done so all of my life (besides college) I don't really feel like I live in Idaho. Where I currently live the population is predominantly liberal (the only liberal county in the state) and less than 10% of the population is LDS. I'm not anti-liberals, but I certainly can't claim to be one myself. In fear of generalizing I don't mean to say that all liberals are this way, but very few people here have more than two children. In most cases, the exceptions are LDS families, but there are others as well. So here I am, pregnant with our third child. Which I am thrilled about. But I don't think many of my peers in this area would be thrilled to find themselves in the same situation.
I faithfully take my children to story time at the library every week and I occasionally chat with people. More people talked to me one day when it was discovered I was pregnant. One woman said to me, "Wow. You're brave!" And I found myself giving what I figured was the expected response, "Or crazy." I got a few laughs, but I instantly felt guilty.
This pregnancy was planned. I want more children! I do have moments of course when I wonder if I am crazy. Being a mother is far more challenging than I could possibly have conceived before becoming one. No career I could have chosen would have been as challenging, as fulfilling, or as effective at revealing all of my weaknesses to me as this one. Do I have moments when I wish I was doing something else? Absolutely - almost anything else! But I know deep down that this is what I should be doing, what I want to be doing, and what I have always wanted to do! I am not crazy for choosing to have more children; children are a blessing. There are certainly ways that it's easy to see that children could be viewed as more of a burden than a blessing, but I don't feel that way! And I wish I hadn't given the impression that I thought of my children as anything but a blessing. What I should have said was, "Or just greedy for blessings!" That would have been the truth. And I just needed to get it off of my chest. :)
Psalms 127:3 Lo, achildren are an bheritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his creward.